Stay
by keroppi-chan
Summary: contains yaoi. is sad. extrordinarily so. read please, if you wish.


Title: "Stay"  
  
Autheor: keroppi-chan  
  
Date: 1-05-01  
  
Catergory:songfic, deathfic  
  
Rating: R (S is for Suicide) (and B is for Bad Language)  
  
Pairing:2+1  
  
Warnings: *printed on the packaging box of a kitchen knife, made in China* CAUTION: DO NOT PUT IN CHILDREN  
yaoi, if you don't like yaoi, well then i don't like you *sniff* nah, just don't read it, k?  
the darkness compels you!  
Deathfic. people die. but in a good way.  
Angst. But we all love angst, ne? *yuki-bara-chan shows up* NO WE DON'T!!! *is cut off by the oncoming disclaimer*  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing *sob* but i can just borrow them for a bit, ne? *holds up voodoo dolls and cackles evilly* If you want to sue me, *reaches into pockets and pulls out something and hold out to you* You may have lint. -_-;;; and whoever Lisa Loeb is, I don't really want your song, it's horrible noise to my metal-sensitive ears, so just let me borrow the lyrics.  
  
Feedback: PLEASE?!?!?! pleeasse please pretty please?!? IM me if i'm on any of the messanger services, email me if i'm not, i'm desperate to talk to people!!  
  
*Note: // indicates song lyrics  
  
::haughty-sounding voice:: And without further ado, from the corner of the rec room at the asylum, rocking slowly back and forth while singing about fuzzy rabid bunnies, the words of Kero, your host for this evening *lightning crashes and evil cackles*  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
"Stay"  
  
//You say I only hear what I want to and you say I talk all the time//  
  
I'm such a baka. I kept talking and talking and talking and talking and...well you get the picture, and I never stopped to listen. I knew Relena had a thing for you. I thought I could see through that mask. I thought... but that doesn't matter now.  
  
I just switched on the tube and saw Relena on the news. She's getting married, apparently. To you.  
  
//And I thought what I felt was simple and I thought that I don't belong//  
  
Not that I expected my little crush to work out. The world's chasing after you, Heero. You've got no room for a stupid little ex-con. I thought I could accept that. It was simple. 'Duo's head over heels for Heero, Heero hates Duo but pities him, eventually Duo accepts being Heero's best friend...any way he could get close to him...' but then this happens and all of a sudden my heart is broken, without me really knowing how or why.  
  
I hate crying. It blurs up my vision.  
  
//And now that I am leaving//  
  
You haven't seen them. I'm absolutely sure. I've hidden them too well. The little spidery white lines running up, down, and around my arms. Escape. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to leave this place... I want to go get my blades.  
  
//Now I know I did something wrong cause I missed you, yeah, I missed you//  
  
I wish I had another chance. Maybe the pain I'm feeling wouldn't be here if I didn't act like such an idiot all the time. I just wish things could go back to the way they were. I want to stay up late watching your face, illuminated only by the glow of your laptop, fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of your breathing in the other bed, so close, yet so far away...  
  
I can't even breathe as I lie here on the bed next to yours, surely drowning in my tears. My head rolls over, limp. I have no strength. "Heero..." I choke out, quietly enough that it could have been in my mind if not for the physical exertion.  
  
//And you say I only hear what I want to I don't listen hard//  
  
Now that I'm thinking back EVERYTHING should have tipped me off. The way you always rushed to her rescue, that glassy, far off look in your eyes when she was mentioned. I should have listened. Maybe you didn't talk cause I didn't give you a chance to.  
  
//I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running or to anyone,  
anywhere//  
  
I'm constantly rattling off on some useless tangent. I never stop to listen to you or read your actions. Because of that, I'm where I am now. Desperate for *anything* from you.  
  
//I don't understand if you really care I'm only hearing negative no no no-  
bad//  
  
I can't think. There is nothing there anymore. Just past mistakes. Things I wish I hadn't done. All I remembered was your apparent hate for Relena. I should recognize façades when I see them; after all, I was able to fake happiness in my life.  
  
//So I turned the radio on I turned the radio up and this woman was singing my song  
The lover's in love and the other's run away, the lover is crying cause the other won't stay//  
  
You're going and you're getting married to Relena. I can't stay here for that. I have to get away, somehow. Where can I go? You'd probably make me go to the wedding if you could find me. And I couldn't hide anywhere from you.  
  
//And some of us hover when we weep for the other who was dying since the day they were born//  
  
Yes, the Perfect Soldier. I wonder what exactly it was that, that horrible old man did to you. He took away your smile that's for sure. I wonder who you would be if you ever laughed, smiled, or cried. Who would you be without the Perfect Soldier? No matter. You're Relena's Perfect Soldier now.  
  
//Well this is not that. I think that I'm throwing but I'm thrown//  
  
Damn. I thought that I was in control of my feelings for you. Even now, I'm on a crazy roller coaster ride. Well I'm not THAT much of a daredevil. I want to get off the ride. I think I'm going to throw up.  
  
//And I thought I'd live forever but now I'm not so sure//  
  
Shinigami is in control of his own death. Shinigami will not live all that long. I 'm afraid that if I don't have control over my own death I'll die. So I'll take my control.  
  
//You try to tell me that I'm clever, but that won't get me anyhow or anywhere  
with you//  
  
You try to be friends with me. Really try. But it doesn't mean anything if I'm not going where I want to be. *With* you. I'll have to go.  
  
//And you say I was naive and I thought that I was strong//  
  
I can be in control of myself. I control my pain. I control my emotions. I control my death. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. I am in contr---  
  
But I'm choking back a sob. I have no control. I can pretend like death is control, but it's my only way of ending the pain. The end to the pain... it does occur to me that I won't be around to enjoy it, but that doesn't matter. I don't care if I never feel another thing again. No more pain.  
  
//I thought "Hey I can leave, I can leave", but now I know that I was wrong  
Cause I missed you, yeah, I missed you//  
  
I'm trembling. I've managed to make it up from the bed. I'm standing at thesink. Reach up high in the cabinet... grope around up there, looking for something that nips at my hands. I find them. In my shakiness, the blade slips, drags a line through an old scar. A very faint, spidery "H". I look at myself in the mirror and I almost cry again. I have one regret... that I'll never get to see your face again...  
  
//You said "You caught me cause you want me and one day I'll let you go"//  
  
Omae o Korosu. The irony of the words really comes back to bite ya in the butt, ne? It's not like the little girl and the puppy dog. I'm less innocent than even you are. Do me a favor; don't give a shit. I guess I still want you to be happy.  
  
//You try to give away a keeper or keep me cause you know you're just scared to  
lose//  
  
I take the blade in my right hand, dragging slowly up the center of my left arm. The pain crashes through me in waves. It overwhelms me, I quickly do the other side in the same fashion before I lose control of my hands. Then I let out my breath slowly. Damn. My head is swimming, in pain, in ecstasy...  
  
//And you say "stay"//  
  
My mind drifts to a lovely vision... me grasping the material of you tank top, your arms around me, lifting my chin to gently brush my lips with yours, and hold me tighter...  
  
//You say I only hear what I want to//  
  
And I slip quietly off into the blackened abyss of my dreams.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
Heero came in soon after through the front door, slamming it behind him and cursing as he strode "Crazy psycho bitch! She fabricated an ENGAGEMENT! A MARRIAGE! What does she think she's DOING?!" then, to himself, 'I hope Duo didn't find out what happened...I wonder where he is'  
  
Heero walked into the bathroom. "FUCK!"  
  
The Japanese boy held the limp, pale, lifeless American tightly in his embrace. "Duo..." he sobbed, crying openly, unashamedly, in the clearest display of emotions he'd ever had in his life: his grief, his love.  
  
  
~Owari~  
  
  
heh heh heh and Yuki told me to make this a happy ending fic... THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR GIVING ME A POP SONG TO WRITE WITH!!! HA! SO THERE! 


End file.
